Friday, August 7, 2015

Room for Growth - and there's a lot of it

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.

This has been a better week; thankfully, I've heard from Master a couple of times, and today he allowed me to cum while he watched. (I actually am inclined to believe that was a reward for accepting his new guidelines for my throat-training task without giving him grief about it, but I could be mistaken.)

I am (slowly, so very slowly) learning to listen when he speaks and not immediately jump to erroneous conclusions, though I will be the first to admit I still have a long way to go in that regard. Being a submissive in a long-distance D/s relationship is not an easy thing. Maintaining a submissive mindset is even more difficult, especially since he is not physically available to see when I'm performing well, and perhaps drop a bit of praise; he also cannot see when I'm slacking off or veering off the path or wrestling with some mental or emotional concern which might benefit from his direction, but since he's not here, he doesn't know about it.

And I know that when these situations occur, I tend to pull into myself and try to handle it myself, tough it out or ignore it or work through it on my own, which essentially locks Master out of his rightful place as the one in charge of me, and creates distance between us, even more than what is already present. I still struggle a lot with the notion that I Ought To Be Independent, and Not Need Anyone, and Be Able To Stand On My Own Two Feet.

And if I'm being very honest, I do not want to present myself as weak in front of him, either. I don't want him thinking I'm some helpless sniveling thing which requires constant tending and can't think for herself. I have a long-standing habit of assuming that I'm stupid, and I'm desperately trying not to prove myself to be. So when I stumble, when I struggle, when I can't quite wrap my head around what I'm expected to be doing, I play the turtle, drawing back into my impenetrable shell where I hide from all the hard stuff and pretend everything is fine.

So this week, while I was waiting, I read a lot more, blogs and web sites and more blogs, and tried to absorb the most common bits of advice I found, which include being willing to speak up (respectfully, calmly, which I admit is sometimes hard for me) when I'm having difficulty; accepting that I'm never going to be perfect, but that I can strive to always improve; asking for help when I'm struggling; and most importantly, keeping open communication with Master, because he cannot read my mind, and I am being unfair when I expect him to be able to do so.

So I'm taking a deep breath, and starting forward on this path once again, with a hopefully more open spirit and a less defensive nature, looking to allow Master to mold me into his ideal sub while still maintaining my pride and my joy in the process.


 

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