Sub drop? Or just crazy?

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  


So my post title is a bit tongue-in-cheek, I'll admit. I don't really think I'm crazy, though at times I do wonder about my mental stability.

I've heard the term "sub drop" before, and I know I've previously experienced it to a small degree - the emotional let-down after play, the sadness for no reason, even the self-doubt which can surface after intense sessions. It wasn't too bad, and I had never asked Master for any kind of aftercare, because really, I felt kind of stupid to be experiencing these emotions after having a good time.

And I will acknowledge that it may be difficult for him to reach out to me after time spent together, because we do not live in the same area and we both have to play catch-up at work when we've had a few days off.

But this last time, just this past weekend, I had asked specifically for aftercare, because we were anticipating having my nipples pierced, and I knew I would need more contact than usual in the first days post-piercing.

However, Master told me I wasn't ready to be pierced (which I wasn't), and that he would have to slow down with me. Well, let me tell you, I felt as though he'd pulled the rug out from under me. We had a hard-to-face but honest discussion, and I cried, but afterward we still played a bit, and we parted on good terms.

So this week I have tried to modify my behavior that way Master told me I ought, and I've performed my tasks as usual - all without a peep from him. I have sent a message every day, and other than one quick "how's your week going?" - to which I replied, and he did not answer - there has been silence. I hate silence. It unnerves me and scares me and pisses me off, especially since (a) I had specifically asked for care this time, and (b) I have told him several times in the past that I would appreciate him telling me if he knows he's going to be busy or out of touch for a while. Then I'm not left hanging, wondering.

Which is where I am now - wondering, and feeling sad and like I've failed, and with zero acknowledgment of the changes I'm trying to make for him,  I have started feeling like I don't even know why I'm trying in the first place. So because I'm not yet ready for some things he wants from me, does that make me unworthy? Am I useless because I can't yet give him everything he wants? His silence feels like rejection, and it hurts.

And it's hitting me harder this time, I'll admit. Earlier today I was on "The Submissive Guide" - I love that site, check it out - and lunaKM had posted about loving your body (and your self, by extension) where you are, even while working toward something better. And tears spilled down my cheeks, because lunaKM said, "You are beautiful," and I had a really hard time accepting that. I haven't heard it in so long .... I never really believed it to start with, and Master has helped my self-image immensely, but the self-doubt still creeps up on me once in a while, and coupled with the sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection I'm feeling, well, yeah. I'm a blubbering mess right about now.

I guess what all this rambling has been about is, sub drop is real for me, and it leaves me feeling unsettled and vulnerable, and it compounds other emotions I may experience. I would like Master to know that I need more contact, even just a couple of texts to check in with me and let me know what's going on in his world and when I might be able to expect a longer conversation. Because I know my submissive journey is on-going, and I'm not perfect, but I'm still making progress. And I also know that my joy in submission is closely linked to feeling connected and valued. I'm struggling right now, and while I know it will pass - it always does - it's tough while it lasts.