Reflections

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.


So I've just returned from a weekend with Master, which I had anticipated would include me sexually servicing him, and being bound and used and then rewarded, and fully expected to be taken to have these nipples pierced, as Master has been talking about that for a while.

Instead, Master took me to task for a poor attitude and some bratty behaviors, and I was forced to face a few inconvenient truths about myself.

Let's back up a bit - Master recently revamped my weekly task list (which I elaborated on in a previous post). And I completed my tasks, don't get me wrong; but he pointed out that I was doing the bare minimum, and that I was completely lacking a joyful spirit. I was approaching them as chores, as check marks on a to-do list, and not as something I might grow through or learn to enjoy.

And I had no idea I was projecting all of that to him. I wasn't even aware I was acting that way or feeling that way or going through the motions. So to have him sit me down and lay it all out was painful. I could see that he was right, which was a tough pill to swallow, given that I was so sure I'd been doing the right thing.

He admitted he's been pushing me, and I obviously am not ready for all of it. Oh, that hurt. But it's absolutely true. When I didn't understand what he wanted me to do, I got defensive and frustrated and snappish with him instead of asking for clarification. I admit to feeling a bit relieved about postponing the piercings, so I definitely am not ready to own them & be happy with them. There are other issues I'm struggling with as well.

So tonight my emotions/mindset are all over the place; I feel terrible thinking that Master is disappointed, I feel relieved knowing I have some breathing room, I feel conflicted about what he's asking and expecting of me in future. I still have a ways to go before I'm truly at peace with total submission, I see, and that is hard to deal with.

Please don't think the weekend was terrible; Master did bind me, he did use the flogger, he did give me some lovely bruises to enjoy. He did say that sometimes I do really, really well - but I do have to really be careful about my attitude and how I project things to him. And that is concerning me. I feel like, I've been trying to be good, and if that's not enough, then will I truly be able to fulfill Master's wishes for me?  He says he has faith that I can, and that I will; I just have to come to believe it for myself.