The Countdown Is On ...

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and frank discussion of sexual situations and BDSM themes. read at your own risk.


And finally, finally, the time for my weekend away with Master is almost here; only 4 days to go, now, and counting.

I need this time, this opportunity to focus on him and to redefine my service. It has been far too long since we've had more than a handful of hours to devote to one-on-one time together.

And I am nervous. Oh, I'm pretty much always nervous before we have such focused time together like this. I tend to imagine what he may require of me, and it usually involves pain. Now,  I am NOT a pain slut. I hate pain, I cry, I try to get out of it. So I imagine, and I worry, and then I start to obsess. And it all stems from my own uncertainties do I still  please him? Am I submissive enough? Can I overcome my pride/fears/self-awareness and become his perfectly willing whore?

As I see it, he can go from neutral to Dominant in the blink of an eye. It takes me much longer to disengage from all the outside stuff and be the focused, pliable sub/slut/pet that he needs me to be. My brain over-analyzes things.

When I mentioned to him about my nervousness, I told him it's always like that; that I have to step back and put all these things away every time. And he asked me why I do that, as it made more sense to him that I pull them out, deal with them and be done with them.

Well. What a concept.

So why don't I do that? Because dealing with these issues requires me to admit they are a problem, and I can't do that. I can't be seen as less than controlled and put-together and capable and strong, especially not by Master. He needs to know that he can count on my willing service, and if I have issues, my willingness might be called into question. And I can't have that.

But - 

Maybe it would be better for me to go ahead and confess my weakness. Maybe by putting my fears on the table, they can be dealt with and addressed and put to rest. Maybe it would be better for me to stop acting strong, work through these things that stunt my growth and actually become strong. 

I'll let you know.  :)