Friday, May 23, 2014

Nobody's Perfect, Not Even a Dom

This is an adult blog, containing frank and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Some things are drawn from real life, and some are spun from my imagination. Read at your own risk.


So I got to spend some one-on-one time with my Master recently. In many ways - in most ways, it was very good. In some ways, though, I felt it was lacking. And though I don't believe it was my fault, I do take responsibility for it.

Let me set the scene, so to speak -

When we first arrived, Master told me I was going to be his pet. He had me strip, then sit on the floor near him ("Do you allow your pets on the furniture at home? No, you do not."). OK, fine, I'm all right with this. We ate a bit of dinner, me sitting on the floor the whole time. All right. But after a while, the floor became very uncomfortable, and I found myself shifting constantly to try and find a position which didn't cause my legs or my hips to strain or fall asleep. Finally I said that the floor was not comfortable, and Master pointed across the room and said, "There's a chair."

Now what am I supposed to do with that? Was it an order to go sit in the chair, or permission to sit there if I felt I needed to, or merely an observation? I didn't know. I looked at him uncertainly for a minute and then slowly crossed the room and settled in the chair. He said nothing, and there I remained. And I didn't like it. I didn't know if I was in compliance or not, and now I felt uncertain and insecure.

Later on, in session, Master started off by placing my bit gag in my mouth and fastening it securely. He then blindfolded me and secured it with tape. Then he removed my collar. I felt funny without it, but he said it was to protect it, so I said nothing. (In fact, dummy that I am, I thought perhaps he was going to replace it. Silly me.) Next, with my arms down at my sides, he used tape to bind my arms in place. I merely stood quietly, becoming excited at the thought of being totally helpless before him. I do trust him, you know, not to truly hurt me, so even though I felt a little shiver of nervousness, I was mostly quivering in anticipation.

When I was suitably bound, he guided me to lie on my back on the bed, and draw my feet up, soles touching, my knees open wide. I was now completely open before him, all of me laid out as an offering on an altar.  And I was excited by it. He commented that he could see me trembling, and I could feel my lower lip quivering, but again, it was in anticipation, not fear.

I felt the mattress dip as he sat on the edge of the bed beside me. His fingers immediately probed into his pussy and found it already wet and wanting. "You are dripping," he said, his voice husky. I could only nod. Of course I was! I'd been waiting a long time for this!

His mouth fastened over the peak of my nipple as his fingers began pumping me. I arched up in response to the delicious wet heat of his mouth, and was disappointed when he pulled away. He said something about knowing that I like being bitten - or was it bruised? My heart was beating so strongly I had trouble hearing him. I just know that I nodded.

He moved away then, and I heard the jingle of chains scraping across the bedside table. Right after that, I was arching up again, but this time in pain; Master had attached my clover clamps to my nipples. Those things HURT. I squirmed and moaned in discomfort, but my voice was muffled by the gag, and of course my bindings restricted my movement. I panted around the gag, trying to put the pain away. Master's fingers went back into his pussy then, and his voice was both disbelieving and delighted as he commented on just how wet I was.

Taking the clamps off hurt almost as much as applying them, and I know I moaned and twisted when he removed them. Then he sucked one nipple into his mouth, and it was both sore and wonderful. It sounds odd, doesn't it? It felt odd, too - my body responding as he suckled it but also having to contend with feelings of pain mixed in. Very strange.

But he likes to do that with me, mix in a little pain to heighten the pleasure.

He moved away then, leaving me to lie there for several minutes, still bound and in position while he puttered around the room for a bit. I heard his footsteps as he came back, and the next thing I knew, there was a flare of intense heat on my skin. Ah, he'd poured hot wax on me. My body tensed, of course, as I had had no warning, and he continued to dribble the wax down on me, on my nipples, across my tummy, and over my clit til it was well coated. And it was hot, yes, but I loved it, even as I shook and tensed and whimpered at the sting of the mild burns.

And then he brought out a surprise - a flogger. I jumped when I felt the tails trailing over my skin; it took a few seconds for me to realize I wasn't feeling pain. Master varied the touch of the flogger, now slow and gentle, now flicking with sharp stings on my nipples, now thudding firmly on my clit. And I never knew which type of hit was coming next, so I was tense, but I really enjoyed that, too. And Master let me cum, more than once, and that was quite nice, too.

But what happened next really confused me. He flipped me onto my stomach (which I resisted because I was afraid I would roll right off the side of the bed) and then had me pull up my knees, so that my ass was up in the air but my face and shoulders were pressed into the mattress. He then lubed up a set of anal beads and inserted all five of them inside me. I know I was panting, cuz I'm not really a fan of these beads, and I hurt and hissed and whined as he pushed each one inside.

And then he walked away and left me there like that. Granted, he is Master, and so I did not argue or complain, but I was unsure of what to do. He came back after several minutes and helped me stand up, then released all my bindings and told me to go take a shower, but to leave the balls in place. Umm, all right. I came out after my shower and sat on the floor next to the couch. And he didn't speak to me, and I didn't speak to him, and after a while he told me I could take the balls out. OK. So I did. And that was it. And he left my collar lying on the table for the rest of our time together.

And I felt like I'd been left hanging, you know? There was no sense of closure or completion, and simply wearing the balls for the 30 minutes or so that it was didn't seem to have a purpose. I didn't get it.

I still don't get it.

And so this is the thing I must take responsibility for - I didn't ask. I didn't tell my Master that I was feeling wrong-footed and off-balance and unsure. I didn't tell him that I needed more from him in that moment. I didn't tell him that I felt incomplete without my collar, that I felt as though he'd left the symbol of my devotion and commitment lying in a tangle on the table, as though it were of no importance, and that made me feel as though I was not important, either. I merely sat, again, in the chair across the room and kept quiet. And so, because I felt terribly shy and inconsequential, I didn't say any of what was on my mind. And when we parted ways, I had no bite marks or bruises to take home with me, not one single kiss to taste him with, and I had to ask him to please put my collar back on, because he seemed to think it was fine if I did it myself.  

So for those reasons, I was disappointed in how things turned out. And I can't expect my Master to read my mind, and I really do struggle with how much can I say and still be submissive, you know? Like, how does one respectfully and submissively say, I really enjoyed the times we were in session, but your after-care sucked? And here we are, several days later, and I still feel unsettled by how things were left.

And it doesn't mean I want to quit, or that I don't enjoy being his sub/slut/whore/pet/Kitten, because I really do. And I hope he keeps me for a long, long time. I just wish I could talk to him about how I feel on this issue, cuz I know that if I keep it buried, it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. And not in the good way.  :)





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