Saturday, February 22, 2014

Breathing Room, More or Less

This is an adult blog, with adult content, and it may contain detailed discussion of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.



So anyone who's been reading this blog knows I am on a journey to discover my submissive self, to explore my sexual desires, limits and curiosities, and to find out how to balance all these sides of myself. 

Sometimes I am more in tune with what I need, and sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own skin. And I don't always know what's going to trigger that stranger reaction.

Like this week, for example - my Dom has said that I am to follow a more healthy lifestyle, meaning, I am to incorporate a regular exercise routine and a more healthful eating style into my daily schedule. And that seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Just eat better and get some exercise. Add to that, it was a directive given to me by my Dom, so of course, as his sub, I am to do what I'm told. 

And yet I have really been struggling with this. I did pretty well with my food choices for the first week or so, and then I started to slip a little - and then I was slipping a lot. I just thought, Well, I'm keeping my calories at about the right amount, so what does it matter if those calories come from potato chips, or a fast-food sandwich (hey, I skipped the fries), or a packaged meal? I rely heavily on box mixes and frozen foods - I have a regular office job, a son at home who needs to be picked up after school a couple times a week, and three dogs. I don't have time to spend hours cooking every night - nor do I have to energy or the desire, frankly. I'm not someone who loves to cook or finds it relaxing or whatever. No. I want to come home, throw something together, eat and be done with it.

Part of my new task-to-become-habit includes keeping a daily food journal, online, so that Master can access it whenever he wishes to check on my compliance. (That was an experience in itself, as I'm not really tech-minded and it took me a while to get that diary uploaded correctly.) However, once he reviewed it, he was not happy.

Here's where the "I don't know my trigger" part comes in. He wasn't horrible to me or anything, just really blunt and stern, but I felt smaller and smaller and less and less valued as he took me to task, until I became frustrated and kinda talked back to him. Umm, that's not a good idea, really, but once I opened my mouth this torrent of frustration and stubbornness and feelings of being overwhelmed came pouring out. And once I admitted to feeling so out of control (an odd thing for a sub, maybe, but there it is) then I started feeling uncertain about my own worth - like, if I give up control of even the basic things like food choices, doesn't that make me helpless and incapable of caring for myself? What kind of illness in me can't even make good food choices? I'm intelligent; I know an apple is better than chips, that simple foods cooked at home are better than fast food. I KNOW this; but I wasn't acting on it.

And don't even get me started on exercise! I hate it, hate it, hate it. I've done the gym thing three times, in three different cities, and each time I'm just miserable, so I stop going. And I was fighting Master about that, too. Good Lord, I flat-out told him I would not be a good candidate for this, and that I'll most likely fail. He was less than thrilled with me, to be sure.

So where did all of this stubbornness come from?? Why was I choosing to fight about this, which really is such a simple thing to do for Master? It's not like he was asking me to do anything which could hurt me; on the contrary, by following his guidance I would experience an improvement in my overall well-being. So why?

And then I figured out that by accepting Master's word in this, by giving him control of such simple tasks as what I eat and how I exercise, I am more completely surrendering my own will to him, placing myself even more fully under his care and control, taking another clear step along the path toward more total submission. And THEN I realized that I do this almost every time he asks me to give up more of myself to him (and that that is why I get flustered; I still struggle with the "what becomes of ME when I have completely surrendered?" question). 

So then, as I always do, I need to step back and take a couple days to process things and work through my issues, and then I can put aside the doubts and the fears and continue on. And that's what has happened this week, also; I needed a bit of time to come to terms with what it means for me, and then I am able to move forward and be content. I'm back on track with my food, and while I'm not loving the idea of exercise sessions, I'm not whining about them anymore, either. I think I will be able to fulfill Master's commands, now, and benefit from the improvement in my physical health.       






    

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