Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Labels

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  


I've been doing some web-surfing over the past week or so, and I keep seeing labels like "submissive," or "bottom," or "slave," or "pet," or even "toy." There are others, of course, but I see these most frequently in my perusal.

Shakespeare aside ("A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"), too often, in my opinion, these labels carry too much weight. Why can't a person be all of these, or none of them, or a mix, or slip between them as their circumstances shift? Why lock yourself into one category, or one way of behaving?

Personally, I've flirted with them all, I think. Except perhaps for "slave," which I find a bit abhorrent, to be honest. I'm not judging, please; but it's a term I have a lot of trouble finding positive.  I mean, given how horrible slavery has been all throughout history, I find it difficult that anyone would willingly agree to true, full slavery. I know there are folks who identify themselves with that title, so perhaps I'm missing the appeal.

Sometimes I don't think any of them really apply to me. I've already voiced my objections to "slave," and some of the others have the same type of dehumanizing vibe to them, like "toy." I'm not comfortable relegating myself to being an inanimate object, a plaything, akin to a piece of furniture. Master is fond of telling me that "they're only words," but really, words are important. That's why I have so much trouble with these labels.

Perhaps part of the reason I'm struggling with a label is that I haven't settled into any of them, so I can't identify. I'm submissive, yes, sometimes; Master calls me "pet," but I don't spend my days on my hands and knees, drinking water from a bowl or vocalizing only in yips or meows. I can do that for short periods, but I cannot see it as a full-time pursuit. "Bottom?" Hmm. Perhaps. That term is generally applied to someone who takes the submissive role for short, focused periods of time, such as for a sexual encounter or perhaps a play scene. I definitely see the appeal of this; participating in a power exchange for a defined length of time, then stepping back into your usual mode of living.

Some days I feel like I could comfortably become someone who identifies as submissive on a full-time, continuous basis; on other days, I think there's no way I could ever live as a meek little sub who never questions her Master or fends for herself. Ugh, I don't know. Master (and yes, I have a Master, so obviously I'm more at ease with the idea of submission that my ramblings would indicate) would tell me I'm over-thinking it, I'm sure. But on the days when the mere idea of being meek and quiet (and unseen, which is my true fear, maybe) just seems impossible, I feel like I have to strike out and get to a place where I can breathe.    

Friday, August 7, 2015

Room for Growth - and there's a lot of it

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.

This has been a better week; thankfully, I've heard from Master a couple of times, and today he allowed me to cum while he watched. (I actually am inclined to believe that was a reward for accepting his new guidelines for my throat-training task without giving him grief about it, but I could be mistaken.)

I am (slowly, so very slowly) learning to listen when he speaks and not immediately jump to erroneous conclusions, though I will be the first to admit I still have a long way to go in that regard. Being a submissive in a long-distance D/s relationship is not an easy thing. Maintaining a submissive mindset is even more difficult, especially since he is not physically available to see when I'm performing well, and perhaps drop a bit of praise; he also cannot see when I'm slacking off or veering off the path or wrestling with some mental or emotional concern which might benefit from his direction, but since he's not here, he doesn't know about it.

And I know that when these situations occur, I tend to pull into myself and try to handle it myself, tough it out or ignore it or work through it on my own, which essentially locks Master out of his rightful place as the one in charge of me, and creates distance between us, even more than what is already present. I still struggle a lot with the notion that I Ought To Be Independent, and Not Need Anyone, and Be Able To Stand On My Own Two Feet.

And if I'm being very honest, I do not want to present myself as weak in front of him, either. I don't want him thinking I'm some helpless sniveling thing which requires constant tending and can't think for herself. I have a long-standing habit of assuming that I'm stupid, and I'm desperately trying not to prove myself to be. So when I stumble, when I struggle, when I can't quite wrap my head around what I'm expected to be doing, I play the turtle, drawing back into my impenetrable shell where I hide from all the hard stuff and pretend everything is fine.

So this week, while I was waiting, I read a lot more, blogs and web sites and more blogs, and tried to absorb the most common bits of advice I found, which include being willing to speak up (respectfully, calmly, which I admit is sometimes hard for me) when I'm having difficulty; accepting that I'm never going to be perfect, but that I can strive to always improve; asking for help when I'm struggling; and most importantly, keeping open communication with Master, because he cannot read my mind, and I am being unfair when I expect him to be able to do so.

So I'm taking a deep breath, and starting forward on this path once again, with a hopefully more open spirit and a less defensive nature, looking to allow Master to mold me into his ideal sub while still maintaining my pride and my joy in the process.


 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Sunday evening thoughts

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  


 
So it's Sunday night, & I'm reflecting on the past week. It's been emotionally up and down for me, I admit; I've had very little communication from Master, & that always makes me - sad? Lonely? Unsettled? Hmm. All of the above, really.

I completed my tasks in a timely manner, and I've been working hard to maintain a pleasant attitude for him, so to have all of my efforts be ignored, really - well, it makes me wonder why the hell I bother. I feel like, if my obedience and pleasant demeanor is important, then let me know I'm improving, because otherwise I don't know if I'm changing the right things or moving toward what he wants. Grrr.

But I'm also working on developing patience, and trying not to let my immediate emotional state dictate my actions (I do tend to act impulsively, often to my detriment) so instead of firing off an angry/hurt/whiny email, I have reached out in what I believe is a quiet, respectful manner, asking to have some chat time with him when he can. His lack of response is discouraging to me, I freely admit; it's difficult to maintain a positive attitude when all I'm getting is silence. So much for the "communication is key" idea, hmm?

 So while I wait, I continue to perform my assigned tasks, and hopefully Master's silence won't last too much longer.

 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Sub drop? Or just crazy?

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  


So my post title is a bit tongue-in-cheek, I'll admit. I don't really think I'm crazy, though at times I do wonder about my mental stability.

I've heard the term "sub drop" before, and I know I've previously experienced it to a small degree - the emotional let-down after play, the sadness for no reason, even the self-doubt which can surface after intense sessions. It wasn't too bad, and I had never asked Master for any kind of aftercare, because really, I felt kind of stupid to be experiencing these emotions after having a good time.

And I will acknowledge that it may be difficult for him to reach out to me after time spent together, because we do not live in the same area and we both have to play catch-up at work when we've had a few days off.

But this last time, just this past weekend, I had asked specifically for aftercare, because we were anticipating having my nipples pierced, and I knew I would need more contact than usual in the first days post-piercing.

However, Master told me I wasn't ready to be pierced (which I wasn't), and that he would have to slow down with me. Well, let me tell you, I felt as though he'd pulled the rug out from under me. We had a hard-to-face but honest discussion, and I cried, but afterward we still played a bit, and we parted on good terms.

So this week I have tried to modify my behavior that way Master told me I ought, and I've performed my tasks as usual - all without a peep from him. I have sent a message every day, and other than one quick "how's your week going?" - to which I replied, and he did not answer - there has been silence. I hate silence. It unnerves me and scares me and pisses me off, especially since (a) I had specifically asked for care this time, and (b) I have told him several times in the past that I would appreciate him telling me if he knows he's going to be busy or out of touch for a while. Then I'm not left hanging, wondering.

Which is where I am now - wondering, and feeling sad and like I've failed, and with zero acknowledgment of the changes I'm trying to make for him,  I have started feeling like I don't even know why I'm trying in the first place. So because I'm not yet ready for some things he wants from me, does that make me unworthy? Am I useless because I can't yet give him everything he wants? His silence feels like rejection, and it hurts.

And it's hitting me harder this time, I'll admit. Earlier today I was on "The Submissive Guide" - I love that site, check it out - and lunaKM had posted about loving your body (and your self, by extension) where you are, even while working toward something better. And tears spilled down my cheeks, because lunaKM said, "You are beautiful," and I had a really hard time accepting that. I haven't heard it in so long .... I never really believed it to start with, and Master has helped my self-image immensely, but the self-doubt still creeps up on me once in a while, and coupled with the sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection I'm feeling, well, yeah. I'm a blubbering mess right about now.

I guess what all this rambling has been about is, sub drop is real for me, and it leaves me feeling unsettled and vulnerable, and it compounds other emotions I may experience. I would like Master to know that I need more contact, even just a couple of texts to check in with me and let me know what's going on in his world and when I might be able to expect a longer conversation. Because I know my submissive journey is on-going, and I'm not perfect, but I'm still making progress. And I also know that my joy in submission is closely linked to feeling connected and valued. I'm struggling right now, and while I know it will pass - it always does - it's tough while it lasts.    

 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Reflections

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.


So I've just returned from a weekend with Master, which I had anticipated would include me sexually servicing him, and being bound and used and then rewarded, and fully expected to be taken to have these nipples pierced, as Master has been talking about that for a while.

Instead, Master took me to task for a poor attitude and some bratty behaviors, and I was forced to face a few inconvenient truths about myself.

Let's back up a bit - Master recently revamped my weekly task list (which I elaborated on in a previous post). And I completed my tasks, don't get me wrong; but he pointed out that I was doing the bare minimum, and that I was completely lacking a joyful spirit. I was approaching them as chores, as check marks on a to-do list, and not as something I might grow through or learn to enjoy.

And I had no idea I was projecting all of that to him. I wasn't even aware I was acting that way or feeling that way or going through the motions. So to have him sit me down and lay it all out was painful. I could see that he was right, which was a tough pill to swallow, given that I was so sure I'd been doing the right thing.

He admitted he's been pushing me, and I obviously am not ready for all of it. Oh, that hurt. But it's absolutely true. When I didn't understand what he wanted me to do, I got defensive and frustrated and snappish with him instead of asking for clarification. I admit to feeling a bit relieved about postponing the piercings, so I definitely am not ready to own them & be happy with them. There are other issues I'm struggling with as well.

So tonight my emotions/mindset are all over the place; I feel terrible thinking that Master is disappointed, I feel relieved knowing I have some breathing room, I feel conflicted about what he's asking and expecting of me in future. I still have a ways to go before I'm truly at peace with total submission, I see, and that is hard to deal with.

Please don't think the weekend was terrible; Master did bind me, he did use the flogger, he did give me some lovely bruises to enjoy. He did say that sometimes I do really, really well - but I do have to really be careful about my attitude and how I project things to him. And that is concerning me. I feel like, I've been trying to be good, and if that's not enough, then will I truly be able to fulfill Master's wishes for me?  He says he has faith that I can, and that I will; I just have to come to believe it for myself.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Update on Tasks

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.


Last time I wrote here, I told you about Master's new training regimen for me. And I got better at throating - though the dildo did develop a huge crack which I had to attempt to fix. It's holding, for now, but recently I've seen a couple secondary cracks forming. Big disappointment. I will probably have to replace it. The damn thing is barely 6 weeks old.

Anyway - Master has seen improvement in my throating ability, yay for me, & he's expressed his pleasure with that. Last week he changed things up again. Now on Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays when I throat train, I have to recite my devotion with the dildo in my mouth.  And then I am to say, "I love Master's cock" with the dildo still in my mouth before I throat it. And I have to throat it 13 times, holding for a 5-count each time.

It is not easy. I feel sort of foolish, talking with a fake cock in my mouth, & my voice sounds thick & funny cuz I can't properly enunciate my words. And I drool like crazy, which I personally find rather gross, bu I'm not allowed to remove my mouth from the dildo until I have completed all 13 throatings. So I end up letting all that excess saliva - & I'm saying there is a lot of it -  just flow out of my mouth & slide down my chest & drip onto my stomach & thighs. I end up a slimy mess, which I'm not crazy about. I do train naked, so at least I don't have to change clothes afterward, but I do kneel on a folded towel, to catch the worst of the slobber. Ick, ick.

And I do still gag, though I have found that it's reduced if I do my training before I've had anything to eat. That's not always possible, so I try to schedule the training for later, so I have the least chance of vomiting.

I will be very honest with you - I am not always thrilled to do this training. It's messy, & uncomfortable, & I do feel somewhat dehumanized by it. But in the back of my head I tell myself that Master has requested it of me, so I do it for that reason. It is an obvious outward act of submission, performed by me on Master's orders.

And I will say, that even if I don't necessarily like the task itself, I do like knowing that Master is pleased by my obedience. And that's what I'm working for.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

New Training Tasks

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.


Master has recently (in the past 2 weeks) changed up my usual task schedule. Now, on Mondays & Wednesdays, I'm to spend 10 minutes practicing deep-throating with a realistic dildo. On Tuesdays & Thursdays, I spend 10 minutes riding that same dildo, and on Fridays, I do both. I record these sessions, so that Master can view them and comment on them.

So far - well, it's going ok.

I'm not loving these tasks, I'll be honest; I seem to spend more time gagging and vomiting than actually achieving getting the cock all the way into my throat, and as for the riding, well, the suction cup really doesn't adhere to the stool all that well, so I end up holding it with one hand, and my legs just kill me. After each task, I'm always dripping with sweat and panting like I've run a race.

But in the past few days - remember, this set of tasks is only 2 weeks along - I have noticed that I'm able to throat the cock a bit more easily. (I have also noticed that a tear has developed along the seam, where the molded scrotum joins the shaft, so that's a bit disappointing.)

I have always had trouble when giving oral. I gag, I choke, I puke. It's not pretty. My jaw hurts like a bitch after a while, & I always end up feeling like I've had a huge workout. Still, I understand why Master has assigned this task to me, so I practice, even though my eyes tear and I cry and I gag and puke. I want to believe I'm bending to his will, that he's pleased with my perseverance, that eventually maybe I'll be able to throat him without vomiting. Eventually.

One caveat to my training is, I wear my wrist and ankle cuffs. I find that I quite like them, to be honest. Their weight is real and reassuring, an outward sign of my status as owned, and that makes me feel good. Peaceful, usually. I like being able to see them as I complete my tasks.