Thursday, November 12, 2015

New task

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.

Master has given me a new task - or rather, instituted a renewal of a very old one, with a new implement.

He has long wanted me to become able to wear an anal plug for several hours at a time, but I have never been able to manage it. I have 2 plugs, one a pliable red, the other a slightly larger, firmer black with less "give." I hate them both. They hurt like a bitch going in, it takes me forever to get them seated, and I am very limited in what I can do, because I find they are so very uncomfortable I can't really stand up straight or walk around much, and worst of all, I tend to "lose" them. Yes, they work themselves right back out, and I almost always end up dirtying my clothes, never mind the towels I keep right nearby.

Trying to get used to wearing a plug is one of the first tasks Master ever gave me, way back when, and I tried. I really did. I found that I could only tolerate them for any length of time - and I mean, 30 minutes to an hour or so - if I was able to either lie on my bed the whole time, or possibly sit on a kitchen chair. Either way they were always painful and messy, and the aftermath of wearing one, between the pain, the bleeding (I almost always bled a little), and the clean-up left me crying more times than I care to admit, most recently about 4 weeks ago. Ugh.

Then Master told me about a different type of plug, often called a Princess plug. These are shorter, made of metal, so very smooth, and the base has a jewel, so they're actually kind of pretty. I wasn't thrilled, I'll be honest, but he really wants me to do this, so I researched and purchased one.

I have to tell you, the difference is like night and day. It's SO much easier to insert, needing far less lube, and the shorter length is so much more comfortable. I have very little discomfort and I can walk around and move and not feel like it's going to pop out at any second. I'll be honest, it isn't perfect; the setting of the jewel is quite pretty to look at but the edges really dig into me and it's really painful after about 45 minutes. I have managed to last an hour with it in place, and it's really hard to imagine keeping it in for longer than that, since it almost feels like it's cutting into me. Ouch, ouch.

The company that made my plug also makes a style which they claim is designed for long wear times, with a smaller, thicker jewel setting, so I've ordered one of those. I'm anxious to see if it really is more comfortable to wear, as I know Master really wants me to be able to tolerate it for several hours at a time.

I'm not crazy about the idea, I'll be honest; I have to go to the bathroom more often than that, and it's not going to be fun having to keep cleaning and reinserting it all the time. Still, if the new plug I've ordered is as much an improvement as the current one, I will be one happy sub.

Monday, November 2, 2015


This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  

So Master arranged for us to have some quality time a few weeks ago - and I almost blew it. I mean, like, majorly. He'd trussed me in some ropes and inserted an anal hook - only the second time we'd used it, so it was new, and I was tied so tightly I could hardly move. And when he ordered me to suck him, well, I had a hell of a time trying to comply. When I bent over, the hook felt like it was trying to come out through my spine.  I just could not find a way to reach without pain, and after a few minutes I lost my mind. 

Looking back, I feel silly, and stupid, and horribly embarrassed by how badly I reacted. It was a major, major breach of behavior. I can't stand to think of it.

And now, 3 weeks past my meltdown, I don't feel like I've recovered. Or at least, I'm not confident in my ability to submit completely. Master and I haven't really discussed it so I'm not sure of his position, either, and uncertainty always makes me unsettled.

At this point, I can think of other ways I could have - or should have - handled my issue. If a similar situation ever occurs, I hope I've learned enough to be rational about it, instead of flying off the handle.

At Master's behest I have ordered a new implement. More on that when it arrives.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

September 8

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.

It's been a few weeks since I've written here. Master seemed less than pleased about my last blog, where I expressed some dissatisfaction with the names/labels he uses for me. Part of me wanted to defend myself ... that part of me seems to get me in trouble a lot. And part of me caved, because I just don't have the energy to be in conflict for long.

It goes deeper than the names (though I'm adamant about the nuances and meaning of words; we have so very many for a reason, after all). Lately I've been feeling a lot of ambivalence, a lack of identity, a "what the hell am I doing?" kind of uncertainty with this whole submission thing. I'm not excited about it, I'm not eager about it, I don't wake up all thrilled that I have tasks to complete. Master has been really streaky - sometimes he's available, sometimes he's not, sometimes he acknowledges me, sometimes he doesn't - and I am pulling away so I can pretend it doesn't bother me.

I'm having a hard time believing my worth, since it's been quite a while since he's told me I'm important to him. I'm having a hard time "feeling" submissive; it's actually kinda painful. I am trying to keep my cool, to approach this challenging time by reminding myself it won't always be like this, that eventually it will "click" for me again and then I'll be glad I fought through it. But oh, it is such a slog right now.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015


This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  

I've been doing some web-surfing over the past week or so, and I keep seeing labels like "submissive," or "bottom," or "slave," or "pet," or even "toy." There are others, of course, but I see these most frequently in my perusal.

Shakespeare aside ("A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"), too often, in my opinion, these labels carry too much weight. Why can't a person be all of these, or none of them, or a mix, or slip between them as their circumstances shift? Why lock yourself into one category, or one way of behaving?

Personally, I've flirted with them all, I think. Except perhaps for "slave," which I find a bit abhorrent, to be honest. I'm not judging, please; but it's a term I have a lot of trouble finding positive.  I mean, given how horrible slavery has been all throughout history, I find it difficult that anyone would willingly agree to true, full slavery. I know there are folks who identify themselves with that title, so perhaps I'm missing the appeal.

Sometimes I don't think any of them really apply to me. I've already voiced my objections to "slave," and some of the others have the same type of dehumanizing vibe to them, like "toy." I'm not comfortable relegating myself to being an inanimate object, a plaything, akin to a piece of furniture. Master is fond of telling me that "they're only words," but really, words are important. That's why I have so much trouble with these labels.

Perhaps part of the reason I'm struggling with a label is that I haven't settled into any of them, so I can't identify. I'm submissive, yes, sometimes; Master calls me "pet," but I don't spend my days on my hands and knees, drinking water from a bowl or vocalizing only in yips or meows. I can do that for short periods, but I cannot see it as a full-time pursuit. "Bottom?" Hmm. Perhaps. That term is generally applied to someone who takes the submissive role for short, focused periods of time, such as for a sexual encounter or perhaps a play scene. I definitely see the appeal of this; participating in a power exchange for a defined length of time, then stepping back into your usual mode of living.

Some days I feel like I could comfortably become someone who identifies as submissive on a full-time, continuous basis; on other days, I think there's no way I could ever live as a meek little sub who never questions her Master or fends for herself. Ugh, I don't know. Master (and yes, I have a Master, so obviously I'm more at ease with the idea of submission that my ramblings would indicate) would tell me I'm over-thinking it, I'm sure. But on the days when the mere idea of being meek and quiet (and unseen, which is my true fear, maybe) just seems impossible, I feel like I have to strike out and get to a place where I can breathe.    

Friday, August 7, 2015

Room for Growth - and there's a lot of it

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.

This has been a better week; thankfully, I've heard from Master a couple of times, and today he allowed me to cum while he watched. (I actually am inclined to believe that was a reward for accepting his new guidelines for my throat-training task without giving him grief about it, but I could be mistaken.)

I am (slowly, so very slowly) learning to listen when he speaks and not immediately jump to erroneous conclusions, though I will be the first to admit I still have a long way to go in that regard. Being a submissive in a long-distance D/s relationship is not an easy thing. Maintaining a submissive mindset is even more difficult, especially since he is not physically available to see when I'm performing well, and perhaps drop a bit of praise; he also cannot see when I'm slacking off or veering off the path or wrestling with some mental or emotional concern which might benefit from his direction, but since he's not here, he doesn't know about it.

And I know that when these situations occur, I tend to pull into myself and try to handle it myself, tough it out or ignore it or work through it on my own, which essentially locks Master out of his rightful place as the one in charge of me, and creates distance between us, even more than what is already present. I still struggle a lot with the notion that I Ought To Be Independent, and Not Need Anyone, and Be Able To Stand On My Own Two Feet.

And if I'm being very honest, I do not want to present myself as weak in front of him, either. I don't want him thinking I'm some helpless sniveling thing which requires constant tending and can't think for herself. I have a long-standing habit of assuming that I'm stupid, and I'm desperately trying not to prove myself to be. So when I stumble, when I struggle, when I can't quite wrap my head around what I'm expected to be doing, I play the turtle, drawing back into my impenetrable shell where I hide from all the hard stuff and pretend everything is fine.

So this week, while I was waiting, I read a lot more, blogs and web sites and more blogs, and tried to absorb the most common bits of advice I found, which include being willing to speak up (respectfully, calmly, which I admit is sometimes hard for me) when I'm having difficulty; accepting that I'm never going to be perfect, but that I can strive to always improve; asking for help when I'm struggling; and most importantly, keeping open communication with Master, because he cannot read my mind, and I am being unfair when I expect him to be able to do so.

So I'm taking a deep breath, and starting forward on this path once again, with a hopefully more open spirit and a less defensive nature, looking to allow Master to mold me into his ideal sub while still maintaining my pride and my joy in the process.


Sunday, August 2, 2015

Sunday evening thoughts

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  

So it's Sunday night, & I'm reflecting on the past week. It's been emotionally up and down for me, I admit; I've had very little communication from Master, & that always makes me - sad? Lonely? Unsettled? Hmm. All of the above, really.

I completed my tasks in a timely manner, and I've been working hard to maintain a pleasant attitude for him, so to have all of my efforts be ignored, really - well, it makes me wonder why the hell I bother. I feel like, if my obedience and pleasant demeanor is important, then let me know I'm improving, because otherwise I don't know if I'm changing the right things or moving toward what he wants. Grrr.

But I'm also working on developing patience, and trying not to let my immediate emotional state dictate my actions (I do tend to act impulsively, often to my detriment) so instead of firing off an angry/hurt/whiny email, I have reached out in what I believe is a quiet, respectful manner, asking to have some chat time with him when he can. His lack of response is discouraging to me, I freely admit; it's difficult to maintain a positive attitude when all I'm getting is silence. So much for the "communication is key" idea, hmm?

 So while I wait, I continue to perform my assigned tasks, and hopefully Master's silence won't last too much longer.


Thursday, July 23, 2015

Sub drop? Or just crazy?

This is an adult blog, containing graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual situations and BDSM themes. Read at your own risk.  

So my post title is a bit tongue-in-cheek, I'll admit. I don't really think I'm crazy, though at times I do wonder about my mental stability.

I've heard the term "sub drop" before, and I know I've previously experienced it to a small degree - the emotional let-down after play, the sadness for no reason, even the self-doubt which can surface after intense sessions. It wasn't too bad, and I had never asked Master for any kind of aftercare, because really, I felt kind of stupid to be experiencing these emotions after having a good time.

And I will acknowledge that it may be difficult for him to reach out to me after time spent together, because we do not live in the same area and we both have to play catch-up at work when we've had a few days off.

But this last time, just this past weekend, I had asked specifically for aftercare, because we were anticipating having my nipples pierced, and I knew I would need more contact than usual in the first days post-piercing.

However, Master told me I wasn't ready to be pierced (which I wasn't), and that he would have to slow down with me. Well, let me tell you, I felt as though he'd pulled the rug out from under me. We had a hard-to-face but honest discussion, and I cried, but afterward we still played a bit, and we parted on good terms.

So this week I have tried to modify my behavior that way Master told me I ought, and I've performed my tasks as usual - all without a peep from him. I have sent a message every day, and other than one quick "how's your week going?" - to which I replied, and he did not answer - there has been silence. I hate silence. It unnerves me and scares me and pisses me off, especially since (a) I had specifically asked for care this time, and (b) I have told him several times in the past that I would appreciate him telling me if he knows he's going to be busy or out of touch for a while. Then I'm not left hanging, wondering.

Which is where I am now - wondering, and feeling sad and like I've failed, and with zero acknowledgment of the changes I'm trying to make for him,  I have started feeling like I don't even know why I'm trying in the first place. So because I'm not yet ready for some things he wants from me, does that make me unworthy? Am I useless because I can't yet give him everything he wants? His silence feels like rejection, and it hurts.

And it's hitting me harder this time, I'll admit. Earlier today I was on "The Submissive Guide" - I love that site, check it out - and lunaKM had posted about loving your body (and your self, by extension) where you are, even while working toward something better. And tears spilled down my cheeks, because lunaKM said, "You are beautiful," and I had a really hard time accepting that. I haven't heard it in so long .... I never really believed it to start with, and Master has helped my self-image immensely, but the self-doubt still creeps up on me once in a while, and coupled with the sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection I'm feeling, well, yeah. I'm a blubbering mess right about now.

I guess what all this rambling has been about is, sub drop is real for me, and it leaves me feeling unsettled and vulnerable, and it compounds other emotions I may experience. I would like Master to know that I need more contact, even just a couple of texts to check in with me and let me know what's going on in his world and when I might be able to expect a longer conversation. Because I know my submissive journey is on-going, and I'm not perfect, but I'm still making progress. And I also know that my joy in submission is closely linked to feeling connected and valued. I'm struggling right now, and while I know it will pass - it always does - it's tough while it lasts.